There has been a lot of thinking being done today. I got my head cleared a little bit after a late night workout last night. Appears that I may be in for another tonight, because with the thoughts and emotions we have acheived the clarity of mud. But at least we can see it.
Jesse Ware did a song called “Say You Love Me…”. She is a beautiful woman, and a warm, silky voice. Not charred or smokey – not a Kim Carnes or Laura Brannigan. But it is nearly as haunting. She could be compared to an unpracticed Celine Dion. The song of which I am going on about was origionally released as a torch song, with gospel choir. The one I’m referencing below, is a remix. It is a happier version. I am happy thinking about the subject of this rant. I am happy imagining quoting this song to (Phil Endablanc).
I am not tormented by some new found emotions. To be truthful, I am really excited to be feeling them and having them. There in lies my reason for choosing and sharing the remix. It’s happier. (-ish) I have been wrestling with a culmination of everything that I have experienced and everyone that I have experienced these last two years.
I have came to terms with my sexuality, in spite of the family, in spite of the church, friends. And more importantly, myself. I found someone who fit the bill for me and we were together for twelve and a half years. We came to terms together with being a couple and the possibility that we would if we could – get married. Well, that didn’t happen. But if you’ll scroll back a few months… two weeks after Jon passed away the State of Maryland said – sure thing. The IRS stated that if the state of residence acknowledged they would too. The dominoes began to fall two weeks after Jon died.
Now, it can happen. And I’ve no one to happen with…
Working on the solo aspect of life and reality and age has proven to be a road block. My effeminance, as my confidence was defined, came as a flaw to someone who now himself has experienced and come to want and need his efete. “Friends” has been my other problem. It would be weird to fall in love or be in a relationship with a friend. Then there is the one that I haven’t the balls to tell. I can let this one slide because, there has been doubt and as a rule – when in doubt I usually don’t. Now this new one – the one that the song, as far as I am concerned, is about.
I got asked to go away for the weekend. If it was a heartfelt request or just one of politeness… I don’t want to know. It was put out there. I was asked… I was on cloud seven. Could have been on cloud nine if I had the financial means and the lack of prior committments.
I am yearning to be together, a couple, and no one to…
I was asked if I wanted to make “this”, an adult this, a regular thing. I am certain that I answered in the affirmative. Yet, to date, we haven’t. It’s almost been a month. Work trips, work… Life has gotten in the way. Previous edits at this point, I was five hundred and eighty-eight words into this, and still ranting.
I don’t want to fall in love, if you don’t want to try. But all that I’ve been thinking of, is maybe that you might. Babe it looks as though we might be running out of words to say, and love is floating away.
just say you love me just for today. And don’t give me time that is not the same. Want to feel good in flames when you say my name. I want to feel passion in my bones like blood through my veins…
Tomorrow I am spending Thanksgiving with some close friends, because we are who and what we are most thankful for. Nothing fancy. Nothing rushed or pretencious. No shows. Just a bunch of us getting together and breaking holiday bread together.
I’m going single. Yet I’ve got him on my mind. I’ve got a ghost of a figment of my imagination lingering in the back of my mind. And I am smiling. I’ve had a good time with someone that I have seen real possibilities with and I will not be heart broken if they don’t come to fruition.
What I’m wondering and wrestling with… Have I, or am I truly moving on? Is this the next step?
I am wrestling with being okay with not being okay. I am wrestling with being solo in search of coupledom. When coupledom is not searching for me. I have imagined myself being codependent. However that would contradict the Aspergers. Yet here I am with my school girls notebook, practicing writing our names.
I am not looking for Jon to come home anymore. I am not expecting him to show up and shout “surprise!” I can say, now, that I really would rather him not… because I have changed. I am a different person now than when we were together, and I do not know that he would like it. I don’t want to ask that question. I don’t want to face those answers.
I truly would like for this to be a regular thing. I want to feel good in flames when my name is spoken. I want to feel passion in my bones, like blood through my veins. But I don’t want to fall in love if you’re not going to try. I’m okay with what this is. I am relearning “this”. Just know that, this is how I feel and that is what I am enjoying. I am enjoying feeling the yearning again. I just need this to be known so that we can discuss and proceed on what ever terms it is that you, want. I am exorcising a ghost. I have a handle on this on and I’m ready for it.