Remembrance of days past

It was a few years ago when I broke someone’s heart. Okay, though it seems like yesterday, in reality it was 21 years ago.

I’ve known this person for 34 years. And the tension between us was always palpable. I can confess the feelings were always there but because I was not the only one in this relationship I could not follow through on a committment. Pete will be his name in this blog post, had been in a committed relationship with Sam. Also a fake name. They both liked me. Sam knew and accepted that Pete and I were closer than they could ever be and it was here their contention lay.

It was fun being the third. Or even the quick hookup. But for the longest time i was the only extra curricular that was allowed for either. Then I left for the service, and it became the beginning of the end. What I did not want to do I was to help cause to their break up. And it was the only thing that i did. When they visited me in England following my divorce, Pete asked the question again and with a severity that scared me.

No. I was not going to be the cause of their break up. Pete played. Sam played. Sam lost. Pete left and I was no where to be found. I had entered into one worthless relationship after another. When I was available, Pete was not.

I now wonder what would have become of us had I said yes. One thing for sure, i never would have met the man who 12 years ago wanted to marry me out of principle. And now. Here I am alone and Pete is lost in a funk and depression following the death of his father just two months after my heart of hearts passed away.

I wish I could ease his hurt. I wish a lot of things. I wish he could feel my heart when I tell te’ quiero.

Thoughts of what could have been. Mi amo, te’ quierro hasta final.